I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
