It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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