The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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