did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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