I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
