My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
