I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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