Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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