I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
