I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
