NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
