This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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