I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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