Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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