i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
