8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
