these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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