Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
