His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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