Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
