Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
