I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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