i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
