Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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