you told grandpa to call you daddy
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
