I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
