How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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