dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
