it's too hot outside to masturbate.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
