My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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