ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
