There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
only you would photoshop your dick
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
