WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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