so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
