Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
