I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
