I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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