I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
