You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
