dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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