I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
