So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
