You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
