The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
