i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize