my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
we should paint friendship bongs
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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