The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
