Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
