before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
