Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
she woke up with a sticky ear
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize