They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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