haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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