Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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