I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
